Friday, March 30, 2007

A glimpse into Jake's past ...

From the vault ... a younger, angrier Jake

Jake was clearly not always the good-natured law-abiding soul he is today - his past is so riddled with myths, legends, half truths and lies that the real truth will probably never be known. Although regarded as a person of interest, his team of crack barristers ensured that he was never charged with any crime. It is well known that from the age of 2 to 5 years he was the brutal overlord of the Jakuzzi - a senselessly violent and criminally insane rabble of three-to-five year old sociopaths, psychopaths, cannibals, self mutilaters and many others from the nameless, shapeless mass of human detritus who have already been judged as being completely incapable of existing in normal human society. These soiled and evil-smelling kindergarten dropouts were ferociously loyal to Jake or as they referred to him, the Dolphin of Pain. It was not uncommon for some crazed minions to chew off their own arms, legs and even head, or to mine their own spleen and other organs and present them to their beloved Dark Cetacean master before expiring in a frenzy of blood and pain.







Jake and his minions' reign of terror ended as abruptly and mysteriously as it started - some say it was attrition among the hordes caused by finite numbers of body parts, others suggest that it was the great dolphin purge of '85 - someone looking suspiciously like Pac Man was seen leaving in a hurry and Jake was nowhere to be found.

Recently Jake was reported to have re-surfaced and he has been spotted acting suspiciously on and around the Monash University Caulfield campus - it is believed that he is impersonating an academic but for what evil purposes? He claims to have left his old life behind, but we must ask can he be trusted? - does evil ever really die, and what kind of systems are his students really building in the dark recesses of K-block?


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